Update: Las Vegas

Hey everybody, just wanted to let you know that I’ve officially settled into my new residence here in Las Vegas, Nevada! Looking forward to getting out and starting fresh. Keep your fingers crossed, and wish me luck. Love you guys, and thank you all so very much for the support. It means the world to me.

-Scott

Subtle Reminders

    Today I was listening to some music, sprawled out on my bed, slowly recovering from the night before. The song  ”If Only” by The Kooks came on, and I instantly found myself smiling. For a brief moment I wondered why this would happen, I mean, dont get me wrong, its an awesome song. However, music usually doesn’t have that effect on me for no reason. Then I realized, It reminded me of her.

    My mind instantly flashes back to August of 2009, driving home from a fun night on the town, with what could very well be the prettiest girl that I know riding shotgun. I didn’t realize it then, but that would be one of the best memories of my teenage years. I never told her this, but I remember driving home just a bit slower than usual with the hope that it might add a few extra minutes of meaningless conversation to my night. It seems a bit abnormal, guess you could even call it pathetic, but at the time you couldn’t convince me otherwise.

    This got me thinking about the human memory in general. It’s a bit crazy to think about how intricately designed our minds are. The fact the subtlest sight, sound or scent can cause us to remember people that we haven’t seen in ages, or places we used to visit as a child is just amazing. To this day, I’ll still pick up the scent of the perfume my second grade girlfriend would wear at school, and it always makes me crack a smile. 

    Unfortunately, it can be a double edged sword in certain situations. Heartbreak being one of those instances. The fact that our memories are so intricate makes it that much harder to forget someone that you truly cared about. Truth is, it’s not just something that you can turn on and off with the flip of a switch, which at times can be rather upsetting. The truth of the situation is 95% of the heartache in those kinds of situations stems from the memories alone. When you spend so much time with a loved one, and then they’re suddenly out the picture, what’re you left with?

Just another memory. 

Wishful Thinking

   So this past couple of months have been ridiculously tough. I try not to complain, even though I’ve found myself complaining more than ever as of late, I know things could be a whole lot worse. Fact is, for now, these mole hills take on the appearance of mountains, and it just sucks. I have this keen ability to open my mouth, and spew forth just a cocktail of bad decisions that will inevitably lead to me screwing up whatever good things may be existent in my life. I hate myself for it. I honestly wish I could find a way to keep my emotions at bay, and just bite my tongue. It sounds good in theory, just a bit more difficult than I would’ve hoped. 

   I dont mean to over react, it just happens. I hear something, and just automatically assume the worst, and I’ve been lied too so many times, that I just dont even give a chance to clear the air, I just start lashing out. It’s hard to explain, just sort of feels like some sort of defense mechanism where If I feel someone is trying to use/take advantage of me, I try to hurt them before they get the chance to hurt me. I guess I think the heartache will be more tolerable if it’s done that way. Truth is, it doesn’t solve anything, ever. Mostly I just find that I over reacted, and end up turning people that I really care about against me. 

  I’m trying to learn to keep my mouth shut, I’m trying so damn hard. There really isn’t an excuse for it, believe me, I’ve tried to find one. Fact is, I make mistakes, possibly more than any rational person should, but I can admit my faults, and try to learn from them. I’m trying to stop pointing the finger so much, and take responsibility for my own actions..

Are you?

-Scott